Pressed Against What Used To Be My Heart
by Alydia Rackham
Summary: Darth Vader's world is devoid of all feeling...until he is forced to restrain a certain young princess as her homeworld is destroyed before her eyes.
1. Chapter 1

Pressed Against What Used to Be My Heart

My existence was devoid of feeling. I marched down hard, angular, precisely-constructed corridors that had no windows, my strides mechanically even, through a monstrous space-station that drifted purposefully through the dark, cold chasm of space. All was white, gray and black, plastic and metal; regulated steps, regulated breathing, artificial speech that hummed deeply through my head when I gave my strained vocal chords the command to vibrate.

For almost two decades, I had been encased completely in metal and leather and duroplast. Two decades, I had not used my own eyes. I had not felt wind against my face, boots on my feet, clothes on my back---skin against my skin. I had not smelled real food---how could I eat it? I had not tasted drink, for my verbal articulator pressed thin wire-like fingers intrusively between my scarred lips and rested against the tip of my tongue. I heard nothing that was not filtered through the hard, skull-like black helmet that fitted around my head, and even though I could scarcely remember what it ought to sound like, a naked human voice to me now carried a hint of digital unsteadiness. But I rarely heard a naked human voice. Most of my curt, businesslike conversations I carried out with storm troopers, who also wore helmets similar to my own, which made their voices sound tinny and hollow. But at the end of the day, when they returned to their barracks, they could take their helmets off and lie down in bed.

I never could.

Some nights, in the beginning, as I sat there in an orthopedic chair designed to give me the most comfort possible while still sitting up, I had been overwhelmed with the agonizing desire to rip it all off of me---all of this machine, all of this artificial material that was acting as an impenetrable barrier between me and every true outside sensation. But then what? I had no arms. I had no legs. The very falseness---the machine---that I despised, allowed me to walk on constructed legs, and fight, gesture and dismiss with man-made arms. I could not escape it. Never. Not without escaping my own body. And so I chose not to fight that agony. Instead, I absorbed it, and siphoned it down to the pit of my stomach. Then, I gradually pushed all desire for feeling out of my head.

I became a machine myself. Nothing quickened my heartbeat. Nothing made my breath catch. Nothing softened my tone. Nothing made me stammer or hesitate. My face no longer moved, for there was no one to see my expression---and then there was simply no emotion to express.

At long last, I accepted the numbness, the insensitivity---and when I did, I made the most miraculous discovery: I found that it was infinitely easier to think, to calculate, to _act_, when I felt nothing. Finally, after all I had been through, I had conquered my weaknesses and was in complete command of my entire being. I felt nothing. Nothing for more than ten years.

That is, until I strode into the docking bay aboard the Death Star five minutes after a certain Alderaanian counselor ship had been towed aboard. As soon as I crossed the threshold strange---but very, very slight---invisible pressure was exerted against my chest. That was strange. I slowed to a stop, absently wondering if my breathing regulator was having difficulty.

"Sir?" my storm-trooper commander inquired, halting beside me. I considered for a moment, my hollow breath echoing in my ears as always, then straightened.

"Nothing, commander," I rumbled. "Go ahead. Kill anyone who resists."

I stayed where I was while the troops jogged ahead, their booted feet clanking on the metal. I took a deep breath, and my breather responded correctly. No---this pressure was not mechanical. But it was familiar. I ignored it. Blinking once, I strode after my troops toward the captured ship.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews! I hope you enjoy as you keep reading! Let me know what you think!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I didn't know what was the matter with me. My regulator was having a hard time keeping up with my lungs. The veins in the parts of my extremities that still lived were pulsing painfully---my heart would not slow. As I swooped through the smokey, air-scortched corridors of the _Tantive V_, the captured ship, my mind wrestled with the possibilities even as I was made to banter back and forth with an underling.

"Holding her is dangerous," the officer, who was a good head shorter than myself, snapped like some little self-important lap-pet. "If word of this gets out, it could create sympathy for the Rebellion in the Senate."

What was he talking about? The fool. My left hand clenched.

What? _My left hand clenched?_

I relaxed the metal tendons and kept my steps even, answering the underling flatly and automatically. My thoughts were not with him. This operation was simple enough, and I issued commands faultlessly.

"...she is my only link to finding their secret base," I heard myself admitting.

"She'll die before she'll tell you anything!" the other yelped.

"Leave that to me," I growled. And then I realized it---I was angry. _Angry._ When was the last time I had actually gotten _angry?_

My jaw snapped shut inside my helmet as a door closed on that path of thought.

But why should I be angry right now? Yet, I was. I had strangled the captain to death with my own hand. I couldn't remember the last time I had done something like that. And I had actually raised my voice. It was punishing me for such abuse, now. I could feel a scraping pain running up and down my throat.

Odd.

Reaching outside myself, the way I had forever, I touched a tendril of power and bent it to my will. My heartbeat calmed. My breathing slowed. My tone became even. And again I felt nothing.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The metallic tone of my feet hitting the floor changed when I entered the detention area. The officers on duty instantly straightened and saluted as my cloak swept the tops of their boots. I paid them no attention. I was bringing an interrogator droid to question our priority captive: Princess Organa of Alderaan.

I had insisted that I be the one to draw her out. Moff Tarkin had given me little resistance. I was not about to let one of the twisty-mouthed, squinty-eyed Imperial detention officers go anywhere near her. When she had met me in the corridors of the _Tantive V_, bound and contained, the princess had greeted me, a Sith Lord, with a fiery temper and defiant sarcasm. I had never, in my entire life, been snapped back at with such vehemence and unafraid self-assurance. Needless to say, _that _had not improved my mood. But it had persuaded me that no one else could possibly handle her. She would cut them to ribbons, and in turn, they would get absolutely nothing from her.

I pressed the door release and the entrance hissed open. She sat in the corner, her delicately strong fingers folded in her lap. She lifted her eyes to me.

I caught a flash of fear. It filled the room like a finger of lightning, but just for an instant. Then she sat back, in command of herself again. Admirable.

I descended into the cell, ducking as I went, and stood directly before her.

"And now, Your Highness," I intoned. "We will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel base."

I turned pointedly, and the circular, menacing-looking, interrogator droid hummed into the room, floating eerily closer. The princess stared at it, apprehension clearly struggling behind her steely countenance.

"What is that?" she asked tightly.

"It is a mind probe," I told her deliberately. "It will inject you with various chemicals that will slowly break down your defenses, show you all of your worst fears, and bring to the surface all of your greatest pain." I took a step closer to her, my cloak rustling. She did not cower, but she would not look at me.

"And then," I went on, my artificial voice like the growling of a beast. "If you do not answer every question I pose, it will break your mind, and leave you utterly destroyed for the rest of your life."

She said nothing. She did not move. Then, slowly, she lifted her eyes to mine.

Her dark gaze cut into me, driving down through my chest to stab into the places that somehow remained injured. Absently, I felt my brow furrow, which had not happened in years. _What---_

"I am not afraid of you, Vader," she said softly, her scarlet mouth quirking in a gently wry smile. "I have nothing to lose." She took a deep breath and tilted her head upward a bit more. "My life is about to be destroyed anyway."

I stopped.

The sound of my regulator echoed through the room. She did not turn from me. And suddenly, I could not move. The look in her auburn eyes had utterly frozen me.

_Why?_

On an impulse, and almost before I knew what I was doing, I dismissed the droid with a swift gesture of my left hand. The princess twitched, and watched it buzz perplexedly out of the cell. The door hissed shut again. She and I were alone.

She stared at the closed door, and her eyebrows came together. She glanced suspiciously at me out of the corner of her eye, but she did not speak. I could feel her defenses: solid, like a wall of granite. I would just have to find the fissures.

"What is your name?" I began.

"You know my name," she answered flatly.

"Not your given name," I lied. I wanted to hear how she would reply. She faced me again, and canted her head.

"Leia," she told me. Then she cocked a severe eyebrow. "What is yours?"

"You know mine very well," I said flatly, allowing a threat to vibrate in the undertone. She shook her head once.

"No. Even _I _know that Sith lords do not go by the names their mothers gave them. Your name is not _Vader_. What is your _real _name?"

I stared at her. My throat closed. Was it possible that someone had just dared to ask me _that?_ Fury blazed across my temples---anger of a strength I had not felt in ages, and it filled my living frame with scorching heat.

"You are in no position to be asking questions," I countered, the sudden rage I felt nearly blinding me. "You shall answer mine."

"I will answer nothing," she said quietly, her expression closing as she turned her head to face the far wall. "And nothing you can do to me will change that."

"You have no idea who I am," I murmured wrathfully. "---what I am capable of." And with that, I gathered the Force around me. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and wrapping the power around me like a black cloak of thunder clouds. In just one more moment, it would reach its full strength, and I would unleash it like a cannon blast against this woman's feeble defenses, smashing through them and breaking her mind like a twig between my fingers.

"Who are you, then, Lord Vader?" she whispered, her long-lashed eyelids drifting closed. "Who are you, beneath all of that blackness and metal?"

My control faltered. She raised her head again, and her eyes were filled with sadness. I fought against mentally staggering.

"What did you look like when you were young, I wonder?" she continued, her tone still soft and regulated, her gaze intensifying as she almost tried to search my face through the lenses that covered my eyes. "And what happened to you that you are forced to wear all of this?"

The power slipped through my fingers. A vivid image of my nine-year-old hand cupping a fistful of sand darted through my mind---and I watched the soil slide out of my grip and blow away in the wind.

All of a sudden, I was a mere shell standing there in that prison. And I could no longer face her.

I whirled, marched toward the door and made it to the first step. I slowed. I halted. My failure slowly reached me. I had said I would find her fissures. Instead, she had found mine.

"Anakin," I said, almost involuntarily.

She did not speak, but I could sense her startled question. I turned my helmed head, just a fraction.

"My name was Anakin." I activated the release with the Force, and exited. The door hissed shut behind me. "But he is dead," I finished. And just to prove it, I promptly stopped the heart of the first officer who failed to instantly salute me, and stepped over his dead body as I entered the turbolift.

_TBC_


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for all the encouragement! I hope all of you keep liking this!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Force was eluding me. Each time I stretched out to touch its wispy depths, it slid just out of my mental reach. Reflexively, I moved to bite my lower lip, but my teeth clicked against my articulators. I clenched my jaw and fought against growling to myself.

I was barely aware that I was walking, and of what doors I was passing through, until I found myself striding into the vast, dark, main control room of the Death Star. Grand Moff Tarkin turned to face me, outlined against the spectacular viewscreen of stars, his hands clasped coolly behind his back.

"Well?" he inquired, raising his skeletal eyebrows. "What have you learned?"

"Her resistance to the mind probe is considerable. It will be some time before we can extract any information from her."

The words simply fell out of my mouth. I had not anticipated lying---not to someone as straightforward, efficient, and trustworthy as Tarkin. But I could not possibly disclose what had happened. It would dangerously expose my moment of mortifying weakness.

And, I realized, my gut was still repulsed by the thought of any of the other interrogators coming near her, injecting her with that serum.

But _why?_

I fought the impulse to jerk slightly when Admiral Motti marched in front of me and spoke crisply to Tarkin.

"The final check-out is complete. All systems are operational. What course shall we set?"

Thoughtfully, Tarkin folded his arms across his chest and placed a pensive finger against his lips. His eyes narrowed.

"Perhaps she would respond to...an alternative form of persuasion."

I turned my head sharply, my eyes flashing.

"What do you mean?" I demanded.

"I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this station." Tarkin turned to the admiral. "Set your course for Alderaan."

VVVVVVVVVVVVV

This was not a good idea. As soon as I had heard Tarkin's plan, I argued against it. I told him that the loss-to-gain ratio was much too skewed---it would mean the loss of an entire planet's resources in exchange for information that may or may not lead us somewhere close to the Rebels. Tarkin had assured me that the information gained would be worth the price. I assured _him_ that he would not gain any information; the princess would never betray the Rebellion knowingly. She was far too strong for that. Tarkin had cocked an eyebrow and asked me what real proof I had that inclined me to think that way. At such a question, I fell silent. Of course I could not tell him.

And there was yet another reason, one that had no chance of being voiced out loud: I was not entirely certain how it would feel---yes, _feel_---to be in such proximity to the sudden deaths of millions of people.

But I was going to find out. I had been given the distinction of bringing Princess Leia to the bridge myself, and keeping her from interfering as her homeworld was destroyed.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

She knew something was wrong. Though outwardly she appeared supremely calm and defiant as she walked in front of me, flanked and led by storm-troopers, I could sense her underlying tension, her uncertainty. The fearful minds of the storm-trooper guard faded from my awareness. They were always afraid of me---shook in their armor to be near me---and justly so. But for once, I found no satisfaction in that knowledge. I concentrated on _her_ as we paced on, studying the strong poise in her slender shoulders, and pushing subtly against the edges of her mind.

However, my efforts mysteriously began having an adverse effect. Instead of strengthening my knowledge or power over her, her tension and uncertainty increased my own. Soon, though I was much taller, our strides just happened to match; our feet struck the metal floor in sync. A few moments later, it was as if I could feel her breathing. With every step, it was as if we were being drawn closer together by a power neither of us could control. And then, when she hesitated before passing through the door of the bridge, she bumped back against my breastplate.

It was as if an electric shock jolted through me. My breath caught as a keen awareness of her entire being blared through my mind: her stubborn determination, her girlish, hidden vulnerability; her early-acquired wisdom, her simple inexperience; her blooming youth, her teeth-gritting struggles; her laughter, her tears---and a great, untamed, raw power that flowed through her very blood.

She was Force-sensitive.

At this, every thought instantly shook from my brain except one:

_Who _is _this girl?_

I could not speak. I was barely aware of where we were when we entered the bridge, and saw Tarkin standing poised, waiting for her. But beyond him, out in the black abyss, hung a brilliant jewel of a planet---a planet that the princess could not fail to recognize. Her mind twitched. I twitched. We kept walking. Strangely, the princess did not stray far from me. Either that, or I was not able to stray far from her.

"Governor Tarkin," the princess quipped, and to any outside listener would have sounded absolutely confident. "I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash." She cocked her head saucily, narrowing her eyes. "I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board."

Tarkin sneered and drew closer.

"Charming to the last." He reached out and took her chin in his hand. Something in my gut twisted, but still I could not speak.

"You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life," Tarkin confessed.

Leia jerked her head out of his reach.

"I'm surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself," she snapped. Tarkin chuckled, just minutely.

"Princess Leia, before your execution," he said pointedly. "I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle station operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now." He gestured grandly, indicating the impressive room. Leia looked at him with cool confidence. A confidence she did not feel. I could almost hear her heart pounding. Why, she was wondering, was he speaking this way as the station orbited Alderaan?

"The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers," she murmured, still trying. Tarkin shook his head.

"Not after we demonstrate the power of this station." He held up a finger frankly, as if giving a lecture. "In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that'll be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power on your home planet of Alderaan." He faced away from her, and leveled his penetrating gaze upon the planet before us.

Leia's heart lurched. My breathing suddenly strained.

"No!" she cried, stricken. "Alderaan is peaceful! We have no weapons---you can't possibly---"

Tarkin whirled on her.

"You would prefer another target? A _military_ target? Then name the system!" All taunting levity vanished from Tarkin's face, and his tone lowered to a deadly pitch. "I grow tired of asking this, so it'll be the last time." He advanced on her, looming over her, forcing her to back up---to press against my chest.

I sucked in a breath. Tarkin did not budge. His eyes bored down into her.

_"Where is the Rebel base?"_

In that moment, time suspended in the air. I could not move. I could not talk. I could not think. Every sense heightened to its greatest awareness. I could hear everything, every little breath, each click of armor and buttons, the soft movement of air through the vents---but most of all, I could feel every turbulent, terrified emotion that coursed through this girl that stood against me. I was not able to pay any attention to Tarkin's proximity. Leia's touch was burning straight through my breastplate and into my---into my heart.

The storm within her built, and now, I was utterly powerless to escape it. Her resolution yanked one way and another as her fears wrestled mightily with her logic. Her eyes locked on Alderaan, as if nothing else existed. Then, her decision flashed across my mind. I blinked.

"Dantooine," she let out in a rush, as if tension had been cut loose. She lowered her auburn head in resignation. "They're on Dantooine."

Tarkin looked up at me in smug triumph.

"There. You see Lord Vader? She can be reasonable."

I stared at him. She was lying. It was a simple fact. I knew it. But my mouth would not work. Tarkin withdrew turned to Admiral Motti.

"Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready."

"_What?"_ Leia's yelp of horror sliced through me. I started slightly. Was he truly going to do this?

"You're far too trusting," Tarkin mocked. "Dantooine is too remote to make an effective demonstration. But don't worry." He held up his finger again. "We will deal with your Rebel friends soon enough."

Suddenly, I felt Leia's desperation launch to its breaking point.

"_No!_" She lunged rashly toward Tarkin. Time slowed. An over-arching awareness of the entire room flooded my senses, and I abruptly "saw" every single storm-trooper and guard twitch toward his weapon. But they did not get the chance to lift them. Before Leia could take one step, I lashed out and grabbed her shoulder, pulling her tightly back to me.

If I had let her go, they would have shot her.

A helmeted technician spoke.

"Commence primary ignition."

The levers worked. The lights blinked. Power surged and swelled throughout the entire station. Even the non-Force-sensitives could feel it rumbling all around them.

Horror and mind-numbing dread mounted within Leia's being, filling her whole body and radiating from her head in such a way that all of my joints locked completely. I stood frozen as a deactivated droid---until she started to tremble.

The Death Star coiled, ready to pounce. Then, too soon---it struck.

Blaring green light lanced out from the heart of the station, knifing through space. Like a spear hurled by a god, it drove through the heart of the planet, and with a raging, chaotic flash, instantly blasted its perfect sphere into tumbling shreds.

And in the next millisecond, I thought I was dying.

Screaming, roaring, gnashing, wailing, shrieking, clawing, howling, sobbing, yelping cacophony bombarded my whole being, erasing every semblance of thought and slamming my entire system into a petrified shock.

Then, like a slap to the face...came the silence.

I was like a winded man sucking in a lungful of deep water.

My entire chest seemed as if it was about to collapse. I could not inhale.

But that was not yet the worst.

Leia did not make a sound. But what swelled up from the depths of her heart was the most eloquent expression of purest agony that I had felt since---

Like a rising scream, it rushed over my soul as if a mighty dam had burst. I was knocked back on my heels, instantly certain I would drown in her anguish. It surrounded me, pressed against me, penetrated me: vivid images of her home, her garden, the sun-kissed mountain that had greeted her sight every morning; her schoolmates...her teachers...her father...her mother...

And then all of those pictures filled with blackest poison, and were ripped to shards with the sharp pain of breaking bones. The ache dug deeper.

Before I could do anything to bar it, scenes from my own past were being ripped out of the dregs of my soul like a hurricane dredging wrecked ships up from the depths. They mingled in and out of Leia's visions like blood and water.

_Basking in the warmth of Qui-Gon Jinn's understanding smile---staring at the pyre as his dead body was burned to nothing. My mother bidding me farewell outside our home. Holding her frail frame in my arms, scarred and beaten---watching the life leave her eyes. Slashing and hacking at the flailing bodies of the Sand People until all of them lay vanquished. Watching dozens of close friends being mowed down by blaster fire in the arena on Geonosis. Slicing off Mace Windu's arm and seeing him tumble out the window. Slaughtering children at the Jedi Temple. _

_Obi-Wan Kenobi's soft comment of approval, his sparkling glance of admiration---him standing there at the top of the ramp of the ship after betraying me. Fighting him. Wanting to kill him. Lying prone on the rocks, limb-less---feeling myself burning half to death._

_Learning that Padme was dead._

_And that I had killed her_.

The visions suddenly faded. Their potency left my frame in a rush. I almost staggered. I opened my eyes. I had not realized they were closed.

Leia fell heavily against me. Without thinking, I caught her. Her pale head lolled back onto my arm.

"She has swooned, poor thing," Tarkin commented, his sarcasm as poisonous as the blackness in my vision. He gestured dismissively with his head and addressed two troopers. "Take her back to her cell."

The troops moved toward her.

"Leave her." I had finally found my voice. It sounded like a monster's. "Do not touch her. I will see to her myself."

Tarkin glanced at me strangely, but I ignored him. Who did he think he was, anyway? The fool. The blasted fool.

Bending slightly, I effortlessly picked the princess up and cradled her against me. I lifted my chin, daring any unlucky vermin to challenge me as I strode back to the detention block with her in my arms, my cloak billowing behind me.

_TO BE CONTINUED_


	4. Chapter 4

I am so very thrilled that you all are reading and enjoying this little tale! I hope it continues to satisfy you. :)

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I stood in Tarkin's conference room, listlessly supporting myself by holding on to the back of a chair. I had not felt this weak since the days just following my transformation into a cyborg.

All those years of defenses had been obliterated by the trauma I had just experienced, and I could not find the pieces to build the walls back up. They had been blasted into sand...

I straightened, coming slightly back to myself when a high-ranking officer named Cass strode into the room and stood at attention.

"Yes?" Tarkin asked casually, not rising from his seat at the opposite end of the large, oval table. Officer Cass lifted his chin.

"Our scout ships have reached Dantooine. They found the remains of a Rebel base, but they estimate that it has been deserted for some time. They are now conducting an extensive search of the surrounding systems."

Stunned silence followed this report, and the officer turned and left. Tarkin started to his feet.

"She lied!" he exclaimed. "She lied to us!"

I wanted to sigh, but my regulator would not allow it.

"I told you she would never consciously betray the Rebellion," I reminded him flatly, too preoccupied to be more than dismissively irked at him. However, Tarkin took this report much more to heart, and his eyes flashed with vengeful light.

"Terminate her. Immediately!"

Something inside me spasmed, and then did not relax. Instead, it tightened, and began sending jerking pains up and down my chest. All the muscles in my shoulders tensed as I realized that, today at least, I could not bear another execution. If I was once more forced to hear that raging screaming rattle through my head, followed by that gasp of silence, whatever was keeping me standing right now would come out from under me.

However, I could think of nothing to dissuade him.

Then, by the mercy of the Force, aid came to me.

The inboard comm system beeped, and the dreadful look was shaken from Tarkin's face as he turned to push the button to answer.

"Yes?"

"We have captured a freighter entering the remains of the Alderaan system," the matter-of-fact voice replied. "Its markings match those of a ship that blasted its way out of Mos Eisley."

My mind leaped to a conclusion---a far-fetched one, yes, but I was not going to waste an opportunity.

"They must be trying to return the stolen plans to the princess," I suggested, moving closer to Tarkin. "She may yet be of some use to us."

Tarkin lifted his eyes to me and shook his head minutely.

"No. She is just a liability. And an annoyance," he took a deep breath and sat down, punching keys on his computer. "I am scheduling her for termination...right now. There." He glanced at me again. "Go see that it is conducted properly, will you? And then investigate this freighter yourself."

The spasm clenched. He was telling _me _to do it. He wanted _me _to be the executioner.

Boiling rage swelled through all my veins, turning my vision red. I wanted to kill him. I _could _kill him. The power was in my grasp; it would take half a second, no longer. He would lie dead on the floor, and there was no one with the gall enough to challenge me.

Then my vision cleared. I straightened.

"As you wish." I spun around and swept out the door.

And as soon as it hissed shut behind me, I turned and began walking in the exact opposite direction of the detention block.

I should have done as he ordered. Instead of ignoring his request and heading to the hangar bay, I should have marched directly to the princess' cell, flung open the door and stopped her heart where she stood.

But I didn't.

_END OF MOMENT_

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

This is the first of a series entitled "Redeeming Moments," in which I will flesh out certain, crucial moments in Vader's original-trilogy life that carve away at his evil resolve and finally drive him to the turning point. So stay tuned for more like this!


End file.
